Think debilitating fears.
Now, bugs are hiiiigh on that list, but they're nowhere near the stomach-turning, hands-dampening fright induced by the mere thought of public speaking. I'm talking a crippling fear, folks. Hate it, hate it, hate it.
Jerry Seinfeld has this bit where he talks about how absurd our collective fear of public speaking is, pointing out how it's the number-one fear among Americans, second to the fear of death, the punch-line being that more people would rather be in the casket than give the eulogy. The first time I heard that bit, I was laughing uncontrollably – less for its "gotcha" shot to the funny bone and more for its uncomfortable truth for me personally. Preach it,
My guess is that fact about me surprises you. Anyone who knows me tends to find that impossible to buy. But, so help me God, that's as truthy as truth gets.
Quite honestly, I hate being the center of attention, I kid you not. (I'm much more reserved than I present myself, but that's courtesy of an enormous amount of self-training and my mandatory "me" times, during which I charge my gregarious battery.) The pressure in the center of everyone often overwhelms me, essentially because it's there where I go from just talking to suddenly performing. In the back row you can fall asleep and fart, and no one notices. But the closer you get to the front, the more lines of vision you fall within and the less margin of error you receive. All at once your words have weight and your every nuance and idiosyncrasy and wardrobe choice are dissected by the masses (I know this because in the crowd I'm absolutely picking apart those ahead of me, limb by limb). It's on center stage where I catch myself in the silence found in between words realizing that the only sound at that moment is coming from my mouth – otherwise, there's a loud clash of nothingness. It also doesn't help that I speak with the articulation of a Word document in Wingdings.
As I left college and stepped into career mode, I gradually leaned in to that fear, looking for more and more ways to avoid being in the foreground, where I could be impactful in the workplace without being visible. This went on for years. And I knew the entire time that continuing this slow step into the shadowy back row would hinder me from career (and confidence) growth, where I would at some point hit what many would deem a job opportunity but I would deem my glass ceiling simply because that opportunity required a set percentage of public speaking – even if minimal – and I would end up deciding to stay within the confines of my comfort zone and thus stay put.
But then I learned some history about my parents. Growing up I always knew my dad had a slight stuttering problem – but I had no idea how far along he had come in improving it and how he had faced similar fears of public speaking due to this vocal impediment. I had never considered how he dealt with all the teasing a vulnerability like stuttering welcomed through grade school. That he, too, considered all the career paths that offered a safe haven from public speaking. That he, too, sweated the introductions of himself in meetings, even forgetting his own name and job title sometimes.
I also always knew my mom could never stand to be in the center of anything. A woman of numerous tangible talents, she has favored her very reserved, introverted side for as long as I can recall – virtually to the point where she would rather keep her talents to herself if the alternative meant public acknowledgement, especially in the form of theatre. Yet I never considered how much she wrestled with what she felt was a calling to be more open with her God-given abilities to play the piano and create calligraphic or sketched art. That she, too, enjoyed the practice but loathed the performance. That she, too, obsessed over the possibility of making a mistake and being scrutinized by her peers.
It was all too familiar to me. The palpitation, the perspiration, the panicky apprehension. The step in the public light might last only minutes, but the rush of worry and mental anguish preceding it would last days, weeks, months – there was no time limit.
And then my parents decided to face it, to punch their ugly fear square in the face.
My dad took a speech class in college. He even considered pursuing a vocation in speech pathology. He put himself in circumstances in his decades-long career in state government in which he'd have to speak, he'd have to address individuals, then groups, then crowded rooms. He pushed himself to considerably diminish his stuttering affliction, hugely aiding him in commanding great respect among his colleagues, climbing the ranks in state government and the Air Force, and becoming – all biases aside – easily the most likable person I've known.
My mom got involved in a ministry run by her church where she played piano at a retirement home. Which led to enough comfort to get behind the piano at church to occasionally provide ambiance. Which led to a fill-in role on the worship team as needed. Which led to a permanent spot on the worship team. And she grew more accepting to the idea of giving demonstrations of her astounding artwork in various opportunities at church, at her alma mater, etc. She now is beginning to teach calligraphy classes out of her home.
That affected me. My parents didn't change the world, they didn't cure a disease, and they didn't become filthy rich as a result, but they voluntarily went completely against their comfort level and marched toward their fear – the same fear I share – and they punched it square in the face. That greatly, greatly affected me.
It resonated with me over years, until I ever so slowly decided to just deal with my own stumbling block. I decided whatever opportunity in which I could speak to just a few people – no number was too minor – would give me confidence. If I could present in front of coworkers, if I could grab a mic somewhere and just hear my voice in the presence of strangers, if I could sit with folks I'd known for two seconds and make them laugh within five minutes, I knew I could push myself closer to that holy grail: to stand before tens, hundreds – how many ever – of strange and/or familiar faces and just speak comfortably, comically, competently, and confidently. So, that's what I'm pursuing now.
...I'm still working on the whole bugs thing.
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